Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   women are the only people I know who can go out broke and come home drunk.

   this salad would really benefit from more bacon and less of this green stuff.

   you know your old when you teabag the toilet water.

   my girlfriend called me a useless druggie today. I almost fell off my unicorn.

   does every dollar store smell weired and stuffy or its just me?

   The first guy to blow a vuvuzela at an NFL game will be getting his a$$ kicked.

   he who sleeps on the floor will never fall off the bed

   mexico would help America with the war in Iraq, if only they could hitch a ride

   cop pulled me over and was out of tickets, happiest day in my life

   .My sun block is 100% effective. It's called a house.

   I don't mind running into debt. It's running into my creditors that's embarrassing.

   Oh, I'm sorry. I can't come to Facebook right now. I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further internet absences.Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being.

   Warning: Weeding another man's garden will eventually get you plowed!!!

   80% of the boys have girlfriend, rest 20% are having brain

   Everything You Have Ever Asked God For Is In Your Environment, Merely Awaiting Your Recognition Of It.

   now that were all out of the car, I'm just gonna tell everybody since I have to go to the bathroom now. That when everybody thought that it was a dead skunk on the road,.. that's not what it was."

   Reggie Bush is losing his Heisman Trophy.....there is justice in this world.

   I'm doing what I've always done... Learning from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

   I would spend more time outside, but it's not as hi-def as my TV.

   If I keep procrastinating like this, I'm going to end up back in yesterday.