Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wondering if you plugged your nose and your mouth while you sneezed, would it come out of your ears or would your head explode?

   The trouble with life is there's no background music

   Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

   The funniest thing about this message is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything you its too late for you to stop reading it you dumb f**k

   Winners should have 2 things: Definite goals ...And the burning desire to achieve them

   Just read that Facebook has reached 500 million users. Congrats to everyone who helped create history's largest stalker.

   Trust me. Tight fit jeans and loose fit skin are one bad combination.

   I'm kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now.

   Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.

   I tried, I really did. I threw my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn't care. It's not working!

   Facebook-stalking my future ex-girlfriend.

   We have so much in common. You want to travel . . . I want you to go . . .

   Typical I buy 1 night stand from eBay & all I got was a bedside table...no dout they will be getting negative feedback!!!

   AD for PAPER DELIVERY PERSON: Must like early mornings, must own beater car/truck with squealing breaks and NO muffler or sound supression what so ever!! Ability to drive with one knee a plus!!

   I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? ‘Cause I'm like ‘Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.

   I want to be a bird. Not because I want the feeling of flight, but because I want to poop on people.

   A great way to start my day, I got a speeding ticket on my way to work & got written up for getting late...

   You're either NEXUS or you're against us!

   with out ME, you're just AWESO

   After a some thought, I am thinking I would LOVE to hear a phone taped conversation between Rod Blagojevich and Mel Gibson!