Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   working up one hell of a sweat by wearing my "Snuggie" while using "Shakeweights", thank God for "Shamwow" to mop up this mess.

   Rule of thumb when hitting on co-workers... if you're cute, it's flirting. If you're not... it's sexual harrassment.

   KY should just go ahead and make lip gloss already.

   Just because you don't approve of the way I live my life, it does not make me wrong, it only makes you judgemental.

   Does Facebook ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, I don't care who changed their profile picture?

   Woke up this morning on a hotel room floor laying on a make-shift bed I made entirely out of a tuxedo and towels. Still not quite sure where my pants are. God I love weddings.

   Cool like the other side of the pillow.

   If Goth kids are supposed to be "non-conformist," then why do they all look alike?

   Hey...so, how do you like these 4 foot high walls here in the Mens room?...See that Mariner game last night? Nice belt...Alligator? You have a piece of chive in your teeth...umm, ok, well..whatcha say we just do the wipe thing at the same time and split?

   there a logical reason why Chelsea Clinton looks more like Janet Reno than Bill Clinton?

   When I say "I understand", it doesn't mean I agree, it doesn't mean I understand, it doesn't even mean I'm listening.

   Men - Alcohol impairs your ability to make good decisions. We don't want you to lose that ability... we want her to.

   if you want me to go running with you, I'm going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.

   has status electricity...if you get too close there maybe status friction and you'll get status shock.

   How is my Facebooking? call 1-800-DIS-LIKE

   If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

   I love haters! they're always thinkin of me!

   OK Fellas, this one is for you. Be careful who you pick up and take to bed. With wigs, weaves, fake nails, padded bras and pants; you could go to be with a girl that looks like Janet Jackson and wake up with one that looks like Tito!

   Ladies, just a reminder...the same rule applies to spray tans as is does to Make up...less is more!

   Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children