Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What’s worse: a broken heart, or knowing you’ll never be flexible enough to roundhouse kick your boss in the face?

   It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

   just gave my 5yo power of attorney

   I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

   i’m at the age where I have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

   direct deposit: $1400 me at Nike: you do it.

   If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

   Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat. No weirdos.

   Can we drive the snakes out of Washington for this St. Patrick's Day?

   At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breast, we were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees.

   You know the pot holes are ridiculous when it effn looks like the pot hole may lead to underground parking......and another wheel alignment.

   I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any kids. When I got home, they were still there.

   Everyone told Beethoven he would never be a composer because he was deaf. But did he listen?

   My backup plan is just my original plan but with more alcohol.

   Corned beef and cabbage this.

   Happy St Patrick's Day, the day when everybody gets together and pretends they're Irish. Except for the Irish -- they pretend they're sober.

   I was happily watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when the guy on triangle disappeared.

   I don't always "Whoop", but when I do, there it is...

   ford is moving to mexico. you folks happy now

   If your relationship fails, don't blame her. It takes two people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.