Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a friend will calm you down when you're angry, but a best friend will skip beside you with a baseball bat singing "someone's gonna get it!"

   Sarah Palin was paid 75,000 dollars for a speech at a California university last week. That works out to be about 25,000 dollars per coherent sentence.

   I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes - "open bar"

   I bet you're one of those people who take speed limit signs seriously.

   Why be so serious ? It's not like we're going to get out of it alive. so livin up fu(kers. an make it a great day for someone

   Utlimate compliment for a woman: I'm not drunk, and you are still cute!

   in a related story, I have two brothers, two nieces, several cousins, aunts and uncles.

   downhill. Because thats how I roll!

   My husband asked for breakfast in bed so I told him sleep in the kitchen ;)

   walked past the fridge last night and thought she heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song but when she opened the fridge door it was just chives talking.

   the only thing that keeps water from being a ho is the 2

   So many things remind me of You, mostly when I sit on the toilet.

   Team Edward? Team Jacob? How about Team Dracula you pansies!!!!

   Why when you wanna break up you hear this "u will never find someone like me?" NO Serious do you think that I leave you For being with someone like u????!

   so glad he can't get anyone pregnant from poking all these lovely ladies on fb...he hopes! O.o

   Next time you shake someones hand, keep in mind that that is probably the hand they masturbate with...

   life has no remote.change it yourself

   people saymotivation doesnt last.well,neither does bathing-thats why we recommend it daily.

   If a tree falls in a ocean does it not make potato chips?!?! yeah I'm drunk

   If I wanted to know whats on your mind I'd splatter it on the wall and see for myself.