Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

   The date went downhill fast after I questioned which house from Harry Potter she belonged in.

   i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

   I forget real people’s names immediately after being introduced but I remember the Scooby-Doo gang’s names are Fred Jones, Shaggy Rogers, Daphne Blake, and Velma Dinkley.

   I'm a thirsty guy who digs your timeline pics. I love you and I'd do anything to meet you, although I've never seen you post anything with your pics that would lead me to believe you possess even the slightest semblance of a brain.

   Just found a document that says all of our restrictions have been lifted! It’s pretty old though, it’s dated 1776.

   Bubba Wallace's garage door pull was investigated more than election fraud.

   I imagine after the pandemic when people start socializing again Facebook is going to be about as popular as Myspace.

   Everyone freaking about how 2021 sounds like 2020 won. . . Well 2022 is gonna sound like 2020 too.

   Facebook: Where content takes a back seat to cleavage.

   In the summer it was to hot outside now it's to cold outside to take the Christmas lights down.

   You think your week sucks? Tanya Roberts died twice!

   I just let a stinky one rip and my wife said, "Jeeziz, you just took me to Funkytown."

   Sometimes you have throw away perfectly good printer paper to hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

   Looks like Ossoff found those 11,000 votes Trump was looking for...

   I received my first unsolicited goat pic. Not kidding.

   Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

   Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing? Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

   Lysol kills 99.9% of germs, yet you’re still here.

   I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream