Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OK so I'm a guy so I'm not going to pretend like I'm an expert on the subject but HOW THE HELL DO YOU NOT KNOW YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!!

   Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.

   Pizza+Coke+Double Chocolate Fudge=Life is good!!;)

   My ex-girfriend has a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh... if you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean!

   Live, Laugh, Love, Lesbians, :)

   Hello. My answers to yesterday's msgs, in order of their arrival. Yes. Tomorrow at 5pm. Duct tape & piano wire. Tonight's safety word will be banana. No. TY

   Marriage changes passion....Suddenly you're in bed with a relative

   Seriously, "BFF" I've haven't spoken to in 4 months, you deleted me on Facebook?? It only took me a month to notice. I thought we were tight

   I think people would be less likely to piss me off if they knew how much I watch Forensic Files

   I wish there was a "I liked your Facebook status until every one of your moron friends had to comment on it

   I'm beginning to think the only real committed women are the ones who are institutionalized.

   www.amish.com. How did this happen?

   couldn't use my Shakeweight today... it had a headache

   eating fiber and smoking weed.... just for sh*ts and giggles

   ack when I flipped burgers at McD's, the big girls always wanted to date me, said I smelled good.

   heard that actor Mel Gibson had phoned several trusted friends for advice on how to handle his situation with girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. They included Alec Baldwin, Chris Brown, Michael Richards, Archie Bunker and the ghost of Gary Coleman.

   admits he only watches "Glee" for the hot, young a*s. Mmm

   Captian's Log: July 15th, I am still a total bada$$

   gonna send Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston a pack of condoms as a wedding gift.

   She has the lips of an angel But what She does with them, she's probably going to hell