Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Filing a BP Damage Claims. Due to the Gulf disaster, instead of a vacation at the beach, we're going to visit my in-laws...

   going to go camping at North Korea State Beach and play a great camping game of Hide-and-keep-hiding!

   I really wish I had a pet chimp..that would really be cool. We could dress alike and go places together. We would be best friends..

   What you call sex ed, I call Saturday night...

   What would happen if Superman consumed 10 Lbs of laxative?

   cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time

   I have a cold. it makes my voice sound like a sexy pirate."

   I just realised Chewbacca carries a Purse!"

   voices inside of his head, but they're speaking in spanish and he can't understand them

   Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio

   theres nothin worse then havin a wicked case of the squirts and realizing there isnt a roll of TP in sight..

   There is actually a "man vs wild alabama". Bear said "this is going to be one of my toughest challenges ever". He's obvously seen "deliverance".

   could never understand why the ghosts on the TV show "Ghost Whisperer" didn't take advantage of the fact they could sneak around and see Jennifer Love Hewitt naked.

   rapping with Dr. Seuss. That dude has mad skills.

   Ladies, I'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want".

   Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?

   Procrastination is like masturbation; it's a whole lotta fun until you realize you just screwed yourself.

   Attn BP: When this is all over, will the Gulf of Mexico be regular, midgrade or premium?

   I don't tell lies, just fiction short stories

   When filling out Hello My Name Is name tags, I always put a question mark after my name