Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nevermind my cut finger or the blackeye, the important thing is that the wine bottle is open.

   I do not have attention deficit disorder. I have what you're saying is boring the sh*t out of me disorder.

   Doing the old "how many women have I slept with" count. God I hate fractions.

   Victoria's Secret just launched a new bra called Netherlands. It has a lot of support, but no cup!!!!

   it's so hot, my ice coffee is sweating more than I am

   If you don't make time for those in your life that are important, then don't be surprised when one day they stop making time for you.....

   one of you people has stolen my brain, and I want it back raight naow bfoor tinghs dtt ny wurs

   the condoms I use are so sensitive, they stick around to talk to the chick for an hour after I leave."

   All the Animals are on board and accounted for, Noah, but I've got bad news. The unicorns are gay."

   Which came first, the chicken or the egg? This problem has finally been solved thanks to British scientists. In a related story, German scientist are researching how much wood could a wood chuck chuck.

   Do you think the Man in the Yellow Hat mentions George on his Internet dating profile?"

   my new excuse for leaving the bar early on a Saturday NIght: "I gotta Preach tomorrow."

   that the only reason your EX-bf wants to have you have back is EX w/ an "S" at the beginning.

   George Steinbrenner to be buried in Florida ... his family wants him as far from baseball as possible!

   Beauty is common... significance is rare

   Takes 6 days to come and then stays for just 1 day - Damn Saturday!

   Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

   Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.

   my friend told me he just got a new walk-in shower so I had to ask, how the hell did you get in it before?

   Lying about my age is easier now that I sometimes forget what it is.