Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With the "You've Won The Nigerian Lottery" to these "Libido Sex Pill Enhancer" emails I should be leading quite the life.

   The Nigerian goalkeeper is refunding money for anybody that was disappointed with their performance at the World Cup. He said, a representative will contact you via email. Please give them your bank account #s and pin information...

   Just reported Mr. Steinbenner will be broadcasting a ESPN special tonight at 9 pm eastern to decide if he will go to Heaven or Hell.

   As I grow older and wiser, I am increasingly aware that mostly, I'm just growing older..

   Life insurance advertisements during "Final Destination". Touché insurance companies... touché

   ..instead of politicians saying "My heart goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan..." how about saying "A plane goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan to get them the f*ck out of there!"?

   Just ate two Double Downs at KFC, now there is an ambulance gurney following me everywhere

   Today: Consumer Reports cannot recommend iPhone 4. Tomorrow: Everyone at Consumer Reports found dead.

   saying goes: The darker the berry the sweeter the juice. Well the lighter the berry the longer it stays ripe. ;)

   hotter then a priest on a playground..Bazinga

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

   All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

   I loved once.. She was my first kiss, it was on the swingset in the park. Maybe someday she'll find me and we'll hook up again. Who Knows, Until then I'll keep chasing brunettes with big boobies."

   “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

   cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass...

   Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't speel.

   "Id rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not"

   wondering if Bob Sheppard is up in heaven going " Now passing... thru the Gates of Heaven... Yankees owner... George Steinbrenner!" R.I.P. =P

   just saw Eclipse and can't believe it took 3 movies (and 2 actresses) to kill off that b*tch Victoria! And Jacob - get a clue, you stalker!

   stop making excuses and start finding the reasons to do things , the only limitation is your imagination and YOU !!