Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With the new year my plan is to conquer a mountain! also known as finish folding the clean cloths piling up on top of the dryer.

   New Year, New Me Yeah, Right Moment: I thought I'd start wearing glasses to appear somewhat intellectual. No one's buying it though. They all say the same thing, "Uh sir, there's no glass in those frames."

   Thought I’d do a little shopping on this day off and I feel like I’m stuck in a time warp. Everyone is dressed so last decade.

   Making love is like baking a cake...most men don't know how to work the stove

   New Year's Resolution: Date more hot women. Amended: Date more. Amended: Get a date. Amended: Stop crying while taking cold showers.

   Never trust a woman born on her birthday

   My New Year's resolution for 2002 is to make fewer typographical errors.

   My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

   Big deal Times Square. I drop the ball at least 3 times a week.

   Just cleaned out my friends list and for the first time in my life I finally know what they meant in Auld Lang Syne when they wrote "Should old acquaintances be forgot, and never brought to mind"

   I don't understand why tan suits enrages people. Maybe, I'm too sane to understand it.

   I will never understand how people can support someone like Craig Allen Peyer.

   Ever want to say I Don’t Know, without sounding stupid? Say this instead: I hesitate to articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy.

   it just me or are there far fewer good climbing trees around these days?

   .. To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid.

   I already lived through a war started on false pretenses to keep a party in power.

   If you elect a president who had the nerve to fire Lil Jon in Celebrity Apprentice season 4, episode 12, you should have anticipated his disastrous foreign policy.

   If you're starting off the New Year single looking for a significant other, forgot dating websites, forget clubs and bars and go mingle in the freezer section or down the cat food isle.

   I've started up a dating site for chickens. It's not my normal day job. I'm just doing it to make hens meet.

   I'm so old I remember when writing on walls used to be considered a punishment.