Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The 5-second rule is real! Earlier I ate a chip that was on the floor for 6.7 seconds, and here I am at the ER.

   Set a goal so big that if you achieved it, it would blow your mind

   Sex is like Pizza... even when it's bad it's still pretty good.

   Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, b*tches"

   I wish my past could be my future

   Nothing will cure your baseball game hunger for a hotdog than a fat guy sitting in front of you with a 5 inch butt crack staring at you.

   If beer came in 7 packs, it would be easier to calculate your needs week to week.

   siting at her comp and staring at the screen waitting for you to talk to her

   I might not see you all the time but your always on my mind!!

   wondering why after sweating on a hot day; a hot shower feels good?

   sometimes picture you drowning then they laugh so hard then the people they hang out with thinks they're crazy

   Fireworks Safety: Do not set off fireworks near children, pets, or the Gulf of Mexico.

   BP announced today that the oil in the Gulf needs to be changed every six months

   Once you've resolved to stop Googling yourself, the Internet really doesn't have much to offer.

   I started playing the new Facebook game, Oilville, but now I can't make it stop.

   If aliens came to Earth to prevent us from destroying the planet, they'd be like, "Oops, too late."

   Water in the Gulf of Mexico is now worth $75 a barrel.

   Vuvuzelas are high-pitched, annoying and everywhere: the Justin Bieber of sports.

   Say what you will about BP, they sure discovered a lot of freaking oil down there.

   Next time you pull up to a BP station, say, "I'll have whatever the pelicans are having."