Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to be a life gaurd, untill that damn blue kid got me fired!

   ☃ 66 ℉ in my home and ☀ 89 ℉ out side my door...Hmmmm Think I will stay on this side of the door today... ヅ

   The reason I watch crime documentaries on drug smugglers is to look for new ways to sneak a bag of Doritos into the house.

   Remember when MTV used to play music?

   I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"? Damn firemen.

   If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.

   I couldn't repair your brakes, so I just made your horn louder.

   Eight more days and I can start telling the truth again.

   First, God created idiots. That was just for practice. Then He created school boards.

   His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

   There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

   attn: hackers...computer viruses are so 2001...let's come up with something new

   The cost of a stamp is going up 2 cents. I'll e-mail all my friends and let them know.

   I've lost most of my hearing, but it's okay because it turns out the only thing people say to me is "nothing, nevermind."

   tired. Tried to fall back asleep this mornig, but couldnt, woke up with such a stiffy, I had no skin left to close my eyes!

   took your survey, sent you a round, tended your garden, poked you, hugged you, and sent you 10 useless gifts. It's hard being a Facebook friend.

   You may be out of my sight... but never out of my mind... I Miss You!

   thinks the digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly

   I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?', but if it's in a fruit basket you're like ‘

   I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille