Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it."

   Type 'things I did last night' into google and hit the I'm feeling lucky button

   Has anybody ever enjoyed moving ever? I now hate our mattress.

   I'm pissed...I signed up on Facebook almost a year ago and have not received a single phone call.

   I spent most of my money on whiskey.hot cars,fast women, and motorcycles....and the rest of it I just wasted.

   America has a whole day dedicated to a film starring Will Smith...

   For an added bonus the shake weight will squirt your face with water after a 15 minute workout.

   Nothing Says You Are Celebrating the Birth of Our Nation, Like Blowing Up a Small Part of It!!!

   patrick swayze sang she's like the wind. On the way to work this morning the wind blew me all over the road.... if only patricks song were more true.

   Nothing says your celebrating the birth of are Nation, like the smell of Gunpowder and Beer..

   Must have finally caught "Beiber Fever", Every time I hear about this prick, I wanna puke...

   So Andy Murray is out of Wimbledon - he was said to look absolutely distraught. I'm so pleased he's cheered up a bit ......

   My new hobby is intentionally putting myself into awkward situations

   They call it "Cash for Gold" because "Cash for all the Sh*t You Stole to Support Your Meth Habit" didn't have the same ring to it.

   Anyone with a pool want to be my new best friend?

   One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.

   List of things I've accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List

   Dear At&t, can you please stopping dropping my phone calls. I know the iPhone is a great money maker for you, but you guys don't enough bandwidth to service your FLIPPIN handheld media devices plus my FLIPPIN PHONE CALLS... mmmmkkkay thanks

   I was talking to my friends Tom and Dave and they said " hey, do you know Doug has two a$$holes"? I said "What???" They said "It's true. Today we were walking with Doug and we heard somebody say 'Look, there's Doug.With those two a$$holes'"

   Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.