Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Our houses are protected by the good Lord and a gun, And you might meet 'em both if you show up here not welcome son

   It's a shame that Ghana's Asamoah Gyan couldn't score a sure thing like Bill Clinton would have!

   What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.

   you know you were raised Catholic if... while watching Star Wars you hear "may the force be with you" and you respond "and also with you".

   There's plenty of room for all God's creatures... right next to the mashed potatoes.

   I have kleptomania. When it gets really bad, I take something for it.

   Life sucks... Wife won't......

   I drank too much and blew Chunks. Unfortunately, Chunks is my dog.

   my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts

   Couldnt get into the Maury show so I went to our local trailor park.

   Music pumping!! a*s shaking!! Dirty dancing it feels like club making

   without trust, there is suspicion; whenever your filled with suspicion everyone starts looking evil to you!!!!

   It was reported in the News recently that a former member of the KKK has volunteered to help clean and restore the Gulf. He vows to have the beaches white again in no time.

   Apologies to the vegatarians, My food poops on your food,

   My washing machine excites me more than you will ever know !

   Anyone fancy a 68??? It's like a 69 except you go down on me and I owe you one!!

   Diamonds are a girls best friend. They last forever. Dogs are a mans best friend. They age faster than humans and lick their own ass! Any questions??

   Freedom's natal day is here.Fire the guns and shout for freedom,See the flag above unfurled!Hail the stars and stripes forever,Dearest flag in all the world

   I tried saying no to vodka, but it was 40% stronger than me.

   Sunday marks the birth of America, which Americans celebrate by combining their love of drinking with their love of explosives.