Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's sad when the best looking girl from Texas happens to be Sandy Cheeks from Spongebob Squarepants.

   Never laugh at your wife's choices. You are one of them.

   It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”

   FOX & Friends? Who in their right mind would want to be friends with FOX? It's a lie, FOX has no friends.

   Two F-words rednecks can't stand: Fire & Fury.

   There sure were a lot of lesbian nuns in the 70s.

   Take it to the next level. Fire and Fury audiobook narrated by Hillary Clinton.

   Babies cry at night to prevent their parents from making another one.

   my new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth

   Winter storm named Grayson sounds like it should be wearing a tweed jacket

   There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe

   Someone should open a Gym in just the month of January and call it "resolutions"

   Husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, Id like to phone a friend."

   Just got scammed out of $15. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

   Guys, if you're not married, but thinking about it, remember; a wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and the house is gone.

   Question for the 84 year old widow who just won the Mega Millions jackpot: Sup, girl?

   "I'm, like, really smart." - Donald Trump, 45th POTUS. I'm glad he cleared that up, because he had the whole world fooled.

   When the shovel was invented, it was a ground breaking experience.

   Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder, where in the hell are the dream police!

   I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual