Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Teenagers hanging out sober act like adults drunk.

   How many tweets does it take to get to the center of attention?

   There are no Walmart stores in Syria, only Targets.

   What goes up must come down. Except maybe for crawling underwear.

   My cooking is so good even my smoke alarm comments on it.

   "You the bomb" "No, you the bomb" - A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east.

   I wanted you, but couldn't find the cheat codes to the game you playing.

   When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.

   That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.

   I'm going back home to ponder why climate change isn't real because it's cold outside.

   Be right back, I'm gonna go pet that dog. Me, drunk, about to get butted by a goat. 🐐

   Was at a restaurant earlier and when I asked for the check the waitress said "Do you wanna box for your food?" and stunned as I was all I could say was "No ma'am, I'm against violence. Can I just pay with my card?" What is this world coming to?!

   Caitlyn Jenner claims Bruce fondled her for over 50 years.

   Tomorrow is New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don't drink and drive and become the nut

   You say Imagine Dragons, I say any other group than that

   In the New Year, I resolve to be more resolute in making revolutionary resolutions.

   If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.

   Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.

   Life is about friends and family, nothing else matters. it all boils down to how you've impacted those in your circle. The sacrifices you make along the way will be your true legacy . LIVE, LOVE, LEARN.

   There was a study done on the effects alcohol has on walking. The results were staggering.