Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend Polly Esther never complains.

   The fact that we have to buy trash bags just to throw those same bags in the trash is why I'm angry today...

   just had a near-work experience...

   guitar for sale - no strings attached.

   why is Santa so jolly? Cause he knows where all the naughty girls live.

   my mind used to be like a steel trap, now it's like the cart you get at the store with the bad wheel

   I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer. lol!

   How was the winter solstice? I missed it because the stores were out of solstice glasses

   This is the first good sized snow fall of the season and honestly the weather on TV is acting like the terrorism threat levels just moved up a two.

   I must be getting old. Since when does 2 to 4 inches of snow become a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called flurries, and we complained it wasn't enough to even have a good snowball fight, let along close schools.

   Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.

   On Dasher, on Dancer, on Master Card and Visa.

   Lefties eat yellow snow on Winter Solstice.

   I was told I would understand when I got older. Well, I'm older and still don't understand...

   Ladies are not officially old, until going braless pulls the wrinkles out of their faces.

   That one sounded like a un-oiled door opening slowly.

   During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.

   There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. This is getting ridiculous.

   Women are like roads. The more curves they have the more dangerous they are.

   How did cavemen meet women? They went clubbing.