Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5583 of 6383
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier lady at the 7-Eleven last night. Hope I don't catch Slurpees.
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12-18-2017 06:45
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There should be a reality TV show where anti-capitalist millennials are questioned about what kind of government they want and then sent to a country that closely resembles their version as closely as possible and forced to live there for a few months.
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12-18-2017 06:57
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I decided to use Craigslist to do all my Christmas shopping. Look's like everyone's getting used couches this year.
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12-18-2017 07:07
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You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.
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12-18-2017 10:54
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I don't care what we have for Christmas dinner as long as it's lasagna.
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12-19-2017 04:00
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its christmas time. lets see some funnies and not democratic bull
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12-19-2017 05:09
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Want to see somethine scary? When your house is full of teenagers for the holidays, unplug your wi-fi.
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12-19-2017 11:09 by markf
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According to my wife, my fashion style is "are you going out like that?"
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12-19-2017 11:10
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For the family portrait theme this year, it's just the four us staring into our electronic devices
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12-19-2017 11:13
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My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys?
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12-19-2017 14:25
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I once told my friend I was attacked by a shark. He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?" I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight… A Merry Trumpness to All, and to All a Trump Night!
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12-20-2017 03:23
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I asked Santa for Hillary Clinton for Christmas, but he said “No, You’ll Shoot Her Eye Out!”
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12-20-2017 03:30
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I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
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12-20-2017 05:44
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I have nothing against exercise. I just wish people would care as much about exercising their minds as much as the do their bodies.
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12-20-2017 07:09
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"His heart wasn't the only thing that was two sizes too small." -Mrs. Grinch
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12-20-2017 08:56
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There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.
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12-20-2017 08:59
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For the last time, it's called "Duct Tape"; not "Duck Tape." Now shut the fuct up already.
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12-20-2017 09:01
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I assume nowadays the Christmas family portrait theme involves four people staring into their electronic devices next to the Christmas tree...
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
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12-20-2017 10:01
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