Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch

   Army Navy game. The only game where all the members of both teams have sworn an oath to lay down their lives for the spectators.

   My theory is that Big Foot is in hiding because he's self conscious about the size of his feet.

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   Million dollar idea: Uber but for gift wrapping. That way my wife wouldn't think an epileptic monkey on crack wrapped her gift.

   Never treat someone like an iPhone6s if they treat you like a Nokia 3310

   My great-grandfather fought in World War I and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. You might say he was a seasoned veteran.

   If you can’t decide between two things, toss a coin. Not because it will decide for you, but in that brief moment it’s flipping in the air, you will realize what you really wish for.

   When it feels like your moral compass always points south.

   I just found out Sarah Huckabee is married. I guess there's a lot of pathetic desperate guys out there. Yikes!

   When one door opens, just hope that it’s the fridge and someone is about to bring you a beer.

   I hate it when I come across a couple urging in public but I missed the start and now don't know whose side I'm on.

   I’m a go getter And right now I’m a go getter nap

   If you have a nap just after the previous nap, is it a post nap or a whole new nap?

   Why, when you suddenly start coughing your head off, do people say "Are you alright?" Hell no I'm not alright! If I was, I wouldn't be coughing like this. Duh.

   Russia’s been barred from the 2018 Winter Olympics. No word yet on whether they’ll be barred from the 2018 U.S. elections.

   If one of Santa Claus's helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?

   My Smart Phone has more computing power than NASA did in 1969 and they went to the moon. All I do is play Pokemon. Yes, I'm an underachiever.

   Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.

   Some relationships are like birthday cakes...Once the 'cake' has been eaten the party is over