Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat

   I am fully prepared to replace Donald Trump with the guy who says dilly dilly in the beer commercials

   I sleep with a gun under my bed, in case someone breaks in and decides to throw clay pigeons into the air.

   commercial: get one diamond for your best friend, and one for your true love me: why would my dog want a diamond

   You look like the kind of person who replies to a meme with a meme

   Dog food is just regular food that you dropped on the floor

   Supporters cheer Roy Moore as he runs naked through a mall, his genitals concealed by various amusingly phallic objects

   If you try to show me your family vacation photos I swear I'm going to report you to HR.

   I need Google street view in real-time for better stalking...Sorry I mean bird watching.

   This quilt would get done a lot faster if the guy behind me would stop beeping his horn

   As long as you yell "DODGEBALL" you're allowed to throw anything at anyone at anytime.

   Many women don't know this, but an ugly guy asking you out ISN'T considered sexual harassment. Just saying...

   You seem like the kind of person who pickles things in their free time.

   I wonder if Charles Manson ever got ashes on Ash Wednesday to cover up that swastika.

   I just got flipped-off from a guy in a Smart Car, he almost tipped over his car

   This is the greatest prank Ellen Degeneres has ever played on Matt Lauer

   Man kneeling by the bed, Wife says,"What are you praying for? " Husband says: "Guidance. " Wife says, "Pray for stiffness, I'll guide the damn thing myself!"

   I've learnt one very interesting thing about money......It doesn't buy "CLASS" no matter how many millions of it you have got

   Today's relationships, you can touch each other but not each others phones

   Teacher said taking responsibility is key to being an adult and she asked what’s wrong today and who do we blame? Student (7th grade) - I blame all of us for Nov 8th, 2016. Sums it up right!