Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   keep you attitude inside your underwear it will be useful for your upcoming generation

   Babies are participation trophies for men.

   "Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"

   As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

   I was just cursing the bag boy at the grocery store for leaving out my Reece's cups and then I remembered I used self-checkout.

   When I was a kid we rode our bikes without helmets and nothing's wrong with us. And you know what else? When I was a kid we rode our bikes without helmets and nothing's wrong with us.

   For the most intelligent species on this planet, how did we end up with 5 Sharknado movies? Seriously?

   I think my cat is a Scientologist.

   I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

   I'm we had to wait 3 years for a new movie to be released on VHS years old.

   OJ Simpson will be using Tinder when he gets out of prison. He will have to decide if he wants to slash left, or slash right

   the percentage of people who "tell you what they want, what they really really want" has dropped drastically since 1996

   If my wife finds out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she'd hit the roof.

   To err is hunam!!

   One doesn't know, what they don't know, untill they don't know it.

   I like the POTUS. Then again. Anything that has pot in I like.

   Labor pain: Is when the foreman on the job sight is watching you work.

   Working in a crematorium is a sure-fire way to urn a living.

   Can someone please invent a screen protector for smartphones that doesn't peel up on the corners? Thank you.

   The Mrs is visiting her mother this weekend, so the dog and I are smoking cigars and playing poker. In our underware!!!!!