Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't break anybody's heart; they have only one. Break their bones instead; they have 206.

   I tried to Bring Sexy Back but they said "Sorry. No refunds."

   Want to entertain the kids? Play a game of Duct Duct Tape.

   If coffee was a drug, my last name would be Winehouse.

   I have an irrational fear of Disco Music. It gives me the Heebie Bee Gees.

   Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it." FML.

   So there are these "Don't start forest fires" commercials telling me to "Get my Smokey on." All I can think is, if an anthropomorphic bear in a pair of jeans and a ranger hat comes up and tells me not to set stuff on fire, I probably already did.

   Batman based his superhero name off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero name would be "interactingwithpeopleman"

   Hang out with people you want holding your hand when your heart stops.

   The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.

   Now you got me asking myself? Why does Disco Music give me Night Fever and the Heebie Bee Gees Bees?

   Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

   23 million?.. To put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end,,, you can just bury them easier.

   I m@sturbated so good last night, when I woke up this morning, my dik was cooking breakfast.

   My wife worked my ass off yesterday. It's still laying out in the yard somewhere.

   An Example of complete business failure due to professional Negligence is a PREGNANT Prostitute

   Someday they will discover the center of the universe and a lot of people are going to be pissed to find out it isn't them.

   I shoved a plunger up gayray's crack in CVS bathrooms. They're no longer having a rubber sale.

   Somehow I lost my phone. Please inbox me with your social security number.

   Just for fun today I put on tan pants and a red shirt, walked into Target and yelled "Take this job and shove it!"