Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone look in the mirror and it looks like you have hail damage on the back of your thighs . Asking for a friend.

   To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet - you can hide, but you can't run.

   I like to hold hands at the movies... but it always seems to freak out strangers.

   Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

   I can't make you love me, but I can hold your head underwater until you stop breathing.

   I have to go shopping. I got run over by a steam roller yesterday and need to get me a pair of size 200 x 14 pants.

   NOAH didn't put spiders and insects on the ARK . They snuck in and hid like they do in your house..

   My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."

   What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

   What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

   I'm beginning to think the Romans were lucky,,,,, At least Nero could play an instrument. .

   In order to reconnect with my conspiracy theory family, ,, I've joined 20 "flat-earth" groups on Facebook

   In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home, ,, The more homeless I look.

   Q. Whats the mating call of a Blackbird? A. Stick it in me Leroy!

   From a purely ironical perspective,,, He's going to actually walk onto 5th Ave and shoot somebody before this actually ends,,, right?

   I don't want to seem like a snob,,, but I was the only one to not use a coupon for our Mothers day lunch..

   Steve Miller.. "Some call me the gangster of love"..... Steve Miller`so band... "Ummm, yeah,,, Nobody calls him that"....

   My wife accused me of being immature, I told her to get out of my fort

   Happy Mother's Day to my sister for having my kids......some Trump supporter maybe....

   Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?