Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.

   I need one of you to stand up at my funeral and ask for his toaster back... thanks in advance

   Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option?

   At night I keep a pillow under my gun in case a burglar threatens me to a pillow fight.

   There is absolutely never a good reason to substitute "anywho", for real words like anyhow or anyways...Ever...I think I would rather listen to fingernails scratching the blackboard...

   My friend has been dieting for a month now, so far he lost 30 days..

   I wish they would stop making things out of unicorns, , those things are already almost extinct

   I'm as broke as a pick pocket in a nudist colony.

   Came home from work so tired that I decided to just lie down and relax. Five minutes later there was a knock on the door. It was my butt just catching up.

   If there is such a thing as reincarnation, please let me come back as anything but a middle-aged woman upset over guys who dump her after 3 days.

   Looks like Comey will now be able to wake up every morning and watch The View.

   PRO TIP: You Can't be under FBI investigation if there's no FBI Director.

   If you love someone who doesn't love you, means you are waiting for a ship at the airport!

   Trump has decided to build a wall around the FBI Building.

   Remember when perjury was a crime punishable by being fired or jail. Now its against the law for republicans.

   So ABC/Disney cancel "Last Man Standing".... The Hollywood left strikes again.

   According to my neighbor's rooster this morning it was 5am. Also according to my neighbor's rooster, we're having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

   If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.

   Watching the hilights of the rockets yesterday and it looked like Harden had his talent stole by the Monstars #spacejam3

   I identified a body yesterday. "That's a body!" I said.