Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We all have faults. It's just that mine are better than yours.

   I'm not trying to brag but I can wear the same size socks today that I did in high school.

   Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you're horny, but can't stand to look at each other !

   How many SJWs does it take to screw a light bulb? A: One. They hold it in place and expect the world to revolve around them.

   Without a shadow of a doubt, if my boss and I were "FB friends", I would've been fired over 5 times through the years...and forced to submit to at least 2 mental health evals...

   not having to set an alarm is one of the greatest feelings EVER!

   Hmmmm, Those guys who usually mow my whole yard for 20 bucks were celebrating for some reason down at the Home Depot today.....

   Harvard researchers now claim that "eating boogers are good for you" adding they are a "rich reservoir" of bacteria. Yeah well, so is toilet water, but that don't mean I'm drinkin' any.

   Auto correct is my worst enema

   I don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo. - said no Juan ever.

   I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar

   That concludes the Time Travelers Club meeting, see you all last month.

   Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option

   You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died

   I really hate conflict........unless you guys like it,in that case I love it.

   Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work

   I was wearing glasses before it was a Snapchat filter...I'm a trendsetter

   Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

   How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?