Funny Status Messages

   United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, cry like a baby, leave as patient.

   I think my song is "Let It Go" because whenever I mention love, they sing it.

   I just dropped a MOABM .. mother of all bowel movements

   I can picture it now. Xi says in Chinese "look at this fat idiot attack that chocolate cake." And then the interpreter says in English "we agree that this meeting has been very useful".

   American Airlines might lose your bags but they won't kick your ass.

   there a deadbeat son-in-law of all bombs somewhere complaining about his mother-in-law of all bombs?

   For now on, should United airlines lose a passengers baggage. That passenger has a right to kick a$$ on one of their employees. . .

   In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I'm keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.

   Daddy has a really, really big bomb.

   I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey

   Tyler Durden: The first rule of Flight Club is: You do not talk about Flight Club.

   A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They're called Nuns 'n' Moses.

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.

   UNITED: We love to fight,,, and it shows. ..

   If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.

   In another stunning reversal, Trump announced today that the chocolate cake he was served while bombing Syria was "average, at best."

   Jared Kushner gained the President's trust by banging the hottest chick the President knows.

   The expression "don;t leave me hanging here" was coined by Jesus of Nazareth on this day over 2000 years ago.

   The six flags rollercoaster that people got stuck on.... Obamas fault.