Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bill Clinton denied having sexual relations with his intern because it was hugely embarrassing. Melania denies having sexual relations with Donald for the same reason.

   United, we put the hospital in hospitality.

   Put my phone on airplane mode and some bloke came over and dragged me out of the house.

   Number 1 reason people voted for Hillary Clinton - They couldnt figure out how to tell their parents they were gay.

   United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.

   2020 democratic presidential candidate slogan - " Who want free phones?"

   2 predictions - 1) CNN says Democrats have 98% chance of winning the 2020 presidential election. 2) Their wrong again.

   If they made a movie ,you know who would make a good Obama? Morgan Freeman. Not because they look alike but because Morgan never did a damn thing for America either.

   Southwest- We beat our competition. Not you.

   Good thing that doctor wasn't wearing leggings, too.

   "16 and Applying to Colleges" -rejected MTV reality series

   Give a man a beer and he will entertain you… Hold a mans beer and he will entertain the world.

   United Airlines just released their new frequent flyer app. Easy to use, too. It's all drag and drop.

   I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

   United Airlines just received failing grade from the health department for having blood on its Chinese take out.

   Hey UNITED, my ex is flying from Atlanta to San Antonio, flight 2145 row 12, seat D. Do your thing

   I was dragged outta the Chinese All you Can Eat Buffet today because I refused to leave....

   I think I'll open a Vietnamese Restaurant and call it "Pho King Delight."

   I'd be willing to bet that the gambling addiction hotline would work better if every fifth caller was a winner.

   I switch my phone to united airplane mode and now I woke up in a hospital with a headache!