Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll bet the watch I left at home feels naked without me.

   If a large group of lions is a Pride, what is a large group of housecats? Shame.

   I only talk sh*t when I'm strategically located near bouncers.

   Actions speak louder than words. Especially if that action is yelling.

   There is a very good chance that you don't understand probability.

   remembers being a kid thinking "I wish dad would pull his pants down from below his shoulders." Now I wonder if my grandkids will be looking at my son thinking "I wish my dad would pull his pants off the ground."

   finally figured out what mosquitoes are for. They're God's way of making us slap ourselves.

   I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it -- like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.

   doing situps with a stomach virus isn't the smartest thing I have ever done! Time to call in CSI to get this mess cleaned up

   June 23, 1860, The U.S. Secret Service was created to arrest counterfeiters. Now the Secret Service also protects the President... isn't this a conflict of interest?

   an apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough

   I can't believe people are watching SOCCER!! It's a bunch of guys running around like crazy, and NEVER scoring! It just reminds me of my high school years!

   not in the dictionary because awesome is already a word

   Worrying is like a rocking chair. It keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.

   I don't know if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

   As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead, he jaughed. You know he's been there before.

   if life aint crazy, you aint livin!!!

   wondering why lady gaga is doesnt want to kiss or touch him, did he do something?, were fernando and roberto involved?

   Unicorns are real, They are just fat and gray and we call them Rinos

   If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I f*ckin will!!