Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It's been several days now, what should I do?

   Marriage Lifelesson: Marriage is essentially peeing with the door open and asking "What do you want for dinner?"

   What if all those coins you keep finding on your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

   "In 300 feet you will arrive at your destination. But it was never about the destination. It was about the journey." -Buddhist GPS

   Chinese food to go: $16.80. Gas to go pick it up: $1.60. Getting home and realizing they forgot part of your order: Riceless.

   I bought my dog his own cell phone today. It was a good deal. He gets free rollover minutes.

   With sufficient thrust, pigs will fly just fine.

   Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.

   Only serial killers pour milk before the cereal.

   African dictators have been filling government positions with their family and friends for years. It's about time America caught up.

   I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack. It got really warm though so I put it back in the fridge..

   The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

   Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

   I'm finally opening my Christmas gifts. I have to hand it to my family, when you talk about recycling, they define the term. The boxes are old. I mean boxes with Christmas Seals on them from 1957 and held t

   [date night].. Waiter: How is everything?... Me: *whispers... Waiter: Sir?.... Wife: *sigh,, He says his carrots are touching his peas.

   I’m hoping the Russians will hack Obama’s Farewell telecast tonight.

   So...this new show called The Wall. Is this what Donald Trump was talking about the whole time? Advertising an hour long game show about Plinko?

   Due to slow sales, Apple CEO Tim Cook has been given a 15 percent pay cut. Or as Cook is spinning it, he’s coming out with a thinner more lightweight wallet.

   i rather watch grass grow in winter then watch farewell. Bye obama

   Obama's Farewell Speech...You had me at goodbye!