Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   2 englishmen walk into a dentist... That is it...

   let's get 1 thing straight...i work for a living,..i dont live for workin'

   An Englishman walks into a bar. The American knocks him out, takes his girlfriend, and lives happily ever after. The end.

   feed the homeless to the hungry, 2 problems solved......

   getting into shape; and the shape I have chosen is 'Circle'...all done. And I thought this getting into shape thing was going to be hard.

   Women should come with Miranda Rights....because if you say the wrong thing, it will come back to haunt you!

   Im not saying all IPhone users are douchbags. I am simply saying all douchbags are IPhone users =)

   don't it look more Spacious in here without the rug?

   written what you are reading

   Just wants to make it clear...white men leave their kids too...

   it me or is Tosh.0 the greatest freaking show since Flavor of Love???...

   the nashnul spelling bee champion

   I used to have a voice just like Justin Beiber, then I turned four.

   needs a Facebook button that says "What you just posted makes me want to stab you."

   Saw a sign at the hospital that said "Family Planning.... Use Rear Entrance". I thought it was good advice.

   When people start a sentence with "Do you know what your problem is..." I interrupt and start telling them all my problems. They never expect that.

   Quitting Facebook is the new, adult version of running away from home. We all know you're doing it for attention and we all know that you'll be back.

   I would like the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a bottle of Jack Daniels as a backup plan.

   I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against.

   I'm not perfect, but I'm better than your ex and gonna be better than your next.