Funny Status Messages

   I'm SO looking forward to Disney's new Brazilian Wax theme park. Yes, I'm talking about EPTWAT.

   [job interview] Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish... Would you care to expand on that?

   Listen,,, If self-deprecation was a competitive sport,,, I probably wouldn't even get a medal.

   What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?

   My boyfriend and I broke up, but at least we'll still be cousins.

   Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too

   I hugged someone else's mom at a park once and now mine won't pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

   (Giving TED talk) Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!... *he does and a mousetrap snaps on his hand*... Me: trust no one *audience claps*

   I personally prefer Right Twix because I don't agree with Left Twix's stance on crumb control.

   Playboy to replace nudes with photos of Hugh Hefner's nurse feeding him soup.

   Don't let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.

   Sure, daylight can be saved tomorrow, but only if it accepts Jesus as its one true savior.

   Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.

   Extra hour of sleep this weekend. I mean, unless you're a parent. Then it's just like, more morning.

   If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they'll fill your antidepressants faster.

   Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."

   Make sure to use the extra hour this weekend not changing anyone's mind about the election on Facebook.

   Glad the election is ending so people will stop hating me based on my political views and just go back to hating me based on my personality.

   Why did they call themselves The Breakfast Club? They only ate lunch together.

   Make baseball more interesting: Divide the nation with hateful rhetoric.