Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm thinking that the only good mornings are the ones that start in the afternoon.

   What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? Dam!

   Don't worry, during the Apocalypse the zombies are looking for brains, you're safe..

   feeling confused as a pelican flying over the Gulf of Mexico .

   is gonna go to a psychiatrists office, sit in the waiting room and just stare at people..

   Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like. WHY?

   gathering rocks to throw at the English Football Team!!!

   he'll shoot, he'll score, he'll eat your labrador, Football fans jeerig!! ofcourse they were Korea Fans!!

   To ensure perfect aim, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

   Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.

   To appreciate heaven , it's good for a person to have some fifteen minutes of hell

   Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence and then walk away as if thou hast been offended by me!

   Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

   Sex is like hacking. You get in, you get out, and you hope you didn't leave something behind that can be traced back to you.

   Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

   Got lucky opening an oyster yesterday. I found an oil filter.

   u can find smart guys in every corner of the earth..unfortunately the earth is round..

   Fact of the day... no such thing as an American site unless the website is about America. Football is what's going on in the World Cup... England will wake up and beat Slovenia: Fact!

   thanks dad for not pulling out.! Happy fathers day!!

   My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!