Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sure it's nice to let your kids be independent, but sometimes it's also nice to not have ketchup all over your kitchen.

   Don't call 911 when you hear screaming and yelling at one of my family gatherings. We're Greek, and just having fun cooking dinner.

   Add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans.

   When you volunteer at a soup kitchen, apparently it’s “inappropriate” to put out a tip jar.

   You used to be able to tell a finicky child his meal was made with love. Now they double check if it's gluten-free love.

   My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.

   Life has given me many scars. And by 'life' I mean my (several) attempts at rollerblading.

   Anyone have a copy of "Men are from Bars, Women are from Venus" my girlfriend suggested I read it....Don't really need to read it, that's where we met.

   Amazing how much sex you don't get when you wear a denim shirt.

   The problem with my new job is that I like all my coworkers which gives me a lot less tweet material than my last few jobs.

   hate songs that ask you questions like seriously I have no idea what I'm gonna do after the boys of summer are gone.

   If anyone needs me, I'll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

   This joke is 100% vegan, gluten-free, no artificial colors or flavorings, unprocessed, sugar-free - and that's why it sucks.

   Donald Trump accuses Hilary Clinton of taking performance enhancing drugs for their last debate. Some jokes just write themselves. lol

   ...... In the end ..... without even a fight .... A once great Nation .... Was gone. History in the making. Vote wisely folks.

   Pot Roast. Two of my favorite things.

   I caught my wee brother sniffing my girlfriend’s knickers today. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’ve been wearing them all week.

   Filled the tank up with petrol today. Now all the fish are dead.

   If a woman says she’s wrong, is she still wrong?

   Why did my wife cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three hours ago.