Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just heard Miley Cyrus is releasing a new song and dedicating it to Perez Hilton...it's called "Party In The Cell Block A"......

   decided it was time to leave the restroom when the guy in the stall next to me shouted "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!"

   A hurricane is the only way to wash away the pain

   It still haunts me to this day; what I did for that Klondike Bar.........

   This 'itch', That 'itch', Jovanovic! Stojkovic! : This is what you get for the holocaust, b!tch!

   Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.

   Researchers at the university of Minnesota have linked tanning beds to brain damage. They were able to do this after watching only one episode of "Jersey Shore".

   walked past victoria secret the lady said are bras are 50% off I said I like when they are 100% off

   When I was your age I lost my tooth..not my virginity...

   Football is a game in which a handful of men run around for one and a half hours watched by millions of people who could really use the exercise.

   You know it's awkward when your dad sends friend requests to all your friends.

   and (number) other friends doesn't need to change their profile pictures.

   3 Lions looking like 11 helpless kittens..... : /

   I just don't understand England's performance. Surely John Terry hasn't had time to sleep with all their wives?

   - Almost 3 hours of football played and Rob Green is still our top scorer.

   always tells people they'll miss me when I'm gone and they say, "How can we miss you if you won't leave!"

   Dad, this Father's Day, allow me to point out that none of my messes cost 20 billion dollars to clean up.

   it's funny that on the show unsolved mysterious women are never included

   The first few people to join Facebook must have felt like pretty big losers.

   Everything taste good and is easy to swallow with a little "hope and change" sprinkled on it.