Funny Status Messages

   I hate when I have to fake my own death to get out of a family function.

   These medical letters seem pretty legit. Every physical I ever got had the standard line "healthy and fit to serve as president"....

   Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

   On a scale of newlyweds to married 25 years, how willing are you to admit I'm right?

   BREAKING: Ryan Lochte brutally attacked at gunpoint and forced to dance Foxtrot in front of national TV audience.

   Just hope that one day I'll have an infectious disease named after me.

   Guess what my doctor said I'm physically fit to become the next president of the United States!

   Farmer plows the field. Farmer doesn't even stay for breakfast, stops returning the field's calls.

   Don’t be intimidated by other people’s opinions. Only mediocrity is sure of itself, so take risks and do what you really want to do

   Health becomes the main issue of the presidential election in a country that does not offer it to its citizens. This is...sick.

   Which one of the Ten Commandments says: Thou Shalt Not Eat Meat On Friday?

   Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you "fall asleep right now".

   fml...I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there...

   My grandfather just told me hisjoints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.

   So, if a $3.50 cheeseburger has 350 calories, 2 of them for $5 only has 500 calories, right?

   I have a painful bulging vein on my thigh. It's an overactive thigh-roid.

   Apparently I am turned on when me boss wears a short skirt. I found that out the hard way.

   I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster

   In Gary Johnson's defense, its not easy keeping up with current events when you're stoned all the time.

   All I'm saying is a nacho bar would go a long ways towards earning that bigger tip, Uber drivers.