Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't you hate when you're in bed cuddling yourself and then your hand starts getting frisky when you're not in the mood?

   Some memories hurt. Like that one time I used a plate as a frisbee.

   I have a 'Do To' list, it's like a To Do list but filled with malicious intent.

   So, if 4 out of 5 people suffer some medical condition, does that mean the other 1 person enjoys it?

   My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

   The right 1980's power ballad makes everything better.

   *Whispers "we should run away together" while petting the neighbor's dog*

   When I meet a woman, I don't care where she works, what she likes to eat, who she's been dating or been married to. I wanna know if we start seeing each other, how long before I no longer have to hold in my f@rts.

   Trump Unfit? Obama entered office without any successful executive experience .... and after Eight Years in Office ..... Will leave .... in the same way .....

   "Ladies we have no interest in how nice you dress or what your bodies look like, ..... We are only interested in your Brains" ......... Sincerely Yours .... Zombies

   319 million people in the US and somehow after an exhaustive search we ended up with Trump and Hillary! So .... I guess if you want a leader that is full of corruption and deceit you know which one to vote for. Or vote for the other one.

   Of course I play volleyball. In fact I’m very good at it. Just give me the damn racket and I show yow you...

   The saying "More than one way to skin a cat" Probably came from a Chinese food restaurant owner

   If I'm ever found dead in the mountains with a pair of hiking sandals on my feet, know that I was murdered & made to wear some dork's shoes.

   A woman would always comment LAMO on my posts. I finally said, "It's LMAO." She goes, "No, I mean LAMO, as in, "Your jokes are Lame-o!" (Okay, I made that up but let's face it, my jokes are so dry I have to serve water with them.)

   Trump or Hillary? Top socket or bottom socket?

   You can only say ''WTF?'' so many times a day until you just decide to start drinking.

   FOUND CAT: Orange tabby found off River rd. yesterday,,, Approximately 8 lbs,,, No collar,,, Tasted like chicken. .. Please call 892-****

   It isn't Hillary who I can't stand...it's her fans.

   Some woman just gave me a hard time for smoking my whole life. She said if I didn't smoke, I could afford a Maserati. I asked her if she ever smoked and she said, "Never." I go, "Where's your Maserati?"