Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All aboard the disoriented express.....

   Ever been so juiced you started speaking fluent Ozzy Osbourne?

   The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest

   Someone's overfeeding that damn cat. I mean.. there's something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

   .... Everyone has that one person in their life that is lucky to be alive and is only still breathing because you can't afford a hit-man ...

   Money aside, what do you wish you had more of?All the money that you've pushed to the side

   Right now the most stable currency in the UK is the Cadbury Creme Egg.

   If you judge me by my before coffee state of mind, we can't be friends

   Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.

   Visit Britain because it's finally sorta affordable.

   Dog farts smell worse than human farts because they've been in there seven times longer.

   The number of weeks sisnce giving up coffee is directly proportional to the number of people I've wanted to stab.

   Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh... -People flipping the channels at 4 am in the morning

   Now that the Supreme Court has ruled on the Texas law, I'm sure the ruling will end all debate on abortion.

   Iceland knocked out Britain out of Euro 2016 soccer. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to England since Brexit last Thursday.

   Trying to convince myself peanut M&M's and red wine is an acceptable snack because together, they have the same ingredients as trail-mix.

   Brexit, is a British expression. Translated into American, Brexit means "Money exiting my 401k."

   They should totally turn that Game of Thrones show into a book.

   Met a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

   Britain be like "April Fools, hahaha..."