Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't allow men to smoke in my room, but women can. Hell, they can barbecue a goat if they want.

   Sometimes I read Facebook status updates and I can't understand them. Then I say to hell with it and read some that aren't mine.

   Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets...

   exceptionally frustrated! How can I creep your Facebook page when I have to wade thru your farm, mafia, daily luck, horoscope, quiz results, lover/friend of the day, cafe world, and everything of which you've now become a fan? Make it easy on me people!!!

   Studies show that four out of five poker players take drugs to keep awake and sharp at the table. The one that doesn't stay sharp is the one who shouts out "Go Fish!"

   Spys search social networking sites like Facebook for info. It would be great if we could just start posting all kinds of bogus info just to mess with their searches!

   Thinking of getting a HUGE TATTOO on my neck....Oh ya, that's a good look!!!

   Tried to watch the World Cup....Why does it sound like there is a pi$$ed off swarm of hornets at every game????

   My plans for this weekend are so top secret even I don't know what they are.

   I just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies...

   my two buddies walked into a bar, but I ducked

   I think this day just took a hard right onto WTF blvd...

   I miss the days when covering my eyes would make me invisible...

   Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.

   Tip this cab driver $5 he continued staring at me like I was going to give him more with his hand open, I took my $5 back, the tip is be grateful and stop being greedy

   So Adrian Peterson misses "mandatory" training camp for "Adrian Peterson Day" in some town in Texas, and its some big deal... My question is how do the celebrate "AP Day"? Bake some turnovers, drop things all day and accomplish nothing major?

   a World Cup soccer game is like watching a bunch of nerds in a night club... A bunch of guys trying their best, and nobody scores...

   If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.

   ""Daddy, whats a transvestite?” “Go ask your mother…he'll tell you.”

   Duran Duran have reworked one of their classic singles for the World Cup. It goes, 'His name is Rio and he watches from the stands...'