Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   attempting to give a damn: ███████████████████] 99% Complete... ERROR!: Unable to give a damn.

   Shrek beat Sex and The City at the box office this past weekend. It was quite a showdown between two very unique movies. One is about a hideous creature and all of it's friends, and the other one is Shrek.

   got a call today from a burial place, wanted to sell me on cremation. They told me I could pay for all services in advance. I asked, “What if I am in a horrible car fire, does my family get a refund? Or, do you burn me up again like refried–John

   An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere. The pessimist sees only the red light. But the truly wise person is color blind.

   To the girl who cut us off on the freeway. "James Joyce" told me to tell yoU - See You In Tea!

   giving a warning to America.... Wayne Rooney.

   Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.

   Can everyone just go n help get all the water out of BP's oil!! Thanx!!

   Ozzie Guillen is going off the rails on a crazy train........

   Sure, I've done bad things in my life. But not "going to hell" bad. More like "Jesus is going to make me his b*tch in heaven" bad.

   I just watch a naked Chinese man run into a wall at full speed with a hard on. He broke his nose.

   Dinner is no fun anymore since I stopped pretending I'm on TV when I'm cooking.

   Blind people must get stuck in bad relationships because they can't see other people.

   "hey, isn't smoking weed illegal?" replies, "Hey aren't half the songs on your iPod stolen?"

   Can somebody please tell this b*tch nobody likes her...

   I fight evil wherever it may be....except in dark scary places.

   just heard a rumor that President Obama is going to hire Servpro (Like it never even happened) to remove the remaining water out of BP's oil in the Gulf of Mexico........

   The car stopped with a jerk. Then the jerk got out.

   My Girlfriend says I have a way with words..the WRONG way.

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: "This one had insurance. Don't kill him."