Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I feel unproductive and unaccomplished, I have to remind myself that "Windows 7 was my idea." That always lifts me up a little.

   Global warming will not kill us. It will just adjust the food web so that every other animal dies and we resort to eating each other. That's when the zombie apocolypse comes in...

   Ever notice no matter how hard you try, you still say Reese's PEECIES instead of pieces?

   Aspire to inspire before you expire.

   My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine

   Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

   You can negotiate with a terrorist, not with a redhead.

   Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting

   The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere

   I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one

   Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

   women are like parkingspots . All the good ones are taken... and the rest is for handicaped people ...

   has come up with a solution to the oil spill .........auqaman(finally he can be useful)

   we all live on the same planet but we're all in our own worlds..

   wishes more businesses would check their signs for mistakes. There is a HUGE difference in "Closed for remodeling" and " Closed for remolding."

   with all the engineers trying to stop the leak in the gulf, has anyone tried to contact someone with some basic plumbing skills???

   I'm not saying we ought to misbehave, but we should at least look as though we could.

   ..this warm weather brings out the worst in people. Like B.O.,unkept feet and whale thongs . Shudder.

   A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

   Done today: ☑ Got groceries, ☑ Relaxed, ☑ Eating, ☑ Been cool, ☑ [Censored].