Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

   If the show is called America's Got Talent, how come Howie Mandel is hosting it?

   how many hijackings with nail clippers and shampoo have there been? None, that's how many!

   Sunburn is only a laughing matter when it happens to someone else.

   With all the technology available now, you'd think they'd have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.

   When asked "What would you bring with you to a deserted island", how come no one ever replies, "A boat."?

   The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

   at the end nobody loses, but there's me laughing at you.

   You know who's going to take the title between the Celtics & Lakers......Football season that's who.

   Motels....Because you and your hooker deserve better than the backseat of some car.

   Something a wife would NEVER say to her husband: "Could you please stop washing the dishes and sit down and have a beer with me, I can't hear the game!"

   When the world kicks you when you're down, breaks its legs.

   "I'm Tom Bodett of Motel 6, we'll leave the Lysol on for ya"

   I feel like a million bucks...now where can I go cash this in?

   Something women would NEVER say: "This diamond is too big"

   .has decided that, instead of being a good example, I'll be a warning.

   "Louisiana isn't the only place that has shrimp," said BP rep Randy Prescott. His office phone number is (713) 323-4093 and e-mail is randy.prescott@bp.com. Give him a call and tell him that BP isn't the only place that has fuel for your car.

   sick and is therefore listening to The Cure.

   I saw an Indian guy violently shaking a rug, I suppose to clean it. I couldn't help myself, I asked "Can't get it started?"

   thinks copy & paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest...