Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anything that is not about elephants is irrelphant.

   Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

   at a BP gas station pumping gas.. somebody got to support SMALL businesses!

   Burger King and Dairy Queen live in a White Castle, down the street from the Golden Arch and they have a daughter named Wendy.

   cooler than the other side of the pillow! :P

   Beauty is only a light switch away.

   No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her $hit.

   I have a new philosophy to foster peace and harmony in the universe: GIVE ME WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT.

   Make love, not war. Hell, do both, GET MARRIED!

   If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

   Express Lane: Five beers or less.

   I've decided that, instead of being a good example, I'll be a warning.

   I took your survey, sent you a round, tended your garden, poked you, hugged you, and sent you 10 useless gifts. It's hard being a Facebook friend.

   I read the rules and decided they are stupid so I will be making my own from now on.

   I know where children get their energy... they drain it from their parents!

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

   I like Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Sarah.

   After I die, they will look through my portfolio of Facebook status updates and see that my life was not wasted.

   I wonder how long I would be on hold if my call WASN'T important to them.

   I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.