Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Should we be surprised? Strange smelling smoke has been coming out of VW Kombi vans for years.

   Seriously though, what color was that dress?

   I don't know about you, but it's been a long week and I'm poped out.

   I was devastated when I got a text from my "GF" telling me I was crap in bed.It's ok though, turns out she got the wrong number.

   "Please make me happy" I whisper to my prescription.

   If you're trying to convince me that you don't have money, I better see at least one article of clothing from Walmart in your closet.

   Avoid disappointment, always assume you mean nothing

   Volkswagen has gotten itself into trouble for falsifying data. Apparently this is not the first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying about gas emissions.

   Five Secrets of Successful People: 1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets

   Sometimes I worry that I'm gonna run out of status material... Then I look around at my family and I'm like, naaa I'm good.

   ME: If you could sleep with... SUSAN: JOHNNY DEPP !... ME:...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. SUSAN: ohhhhh...

   My AT&T bill suggested that I should go paperless. Less paper=better environment. I sure Hope Charmin toilet paper doesn't say that soon!

   *strums guitar.. and this next one is called I Don't Care About Your Yoga Retreat,,, Susan

   Not sure if everyone knows how to play the harmonica or no one knows how to play the harmonica

   about as thug as a box of de-clawed kittens.

   Oh wait, Donald Trump has a bible! Lets vote for him! He is legit!

   If Hell does exist, there are so many brilliant scientists in there it is probably air-conditioned by now...

   Twenty percent of all relationships fail because someone buys a selfie stick.

   My phone autocorrected "pepperjack cheese" to "perpetual cheese" and I thought to myself "Hey, that doesn't sound so bad."

   Handjobs from girls who speak sign language are technically blowjobs