Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The fine print on Krazy Glue reads, "The only two things this product will successfully attach are your fingers and this tube."

   Match.com says it's responsible for more dates leading to marriages that any other online site. And yet, it has no warning label.

   I can never remember whether or not I'm supposed to mess with Texas.

   I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.

   I can't believe I paid $6 for diahrea thanks Taco Bell!

   If age is just a number, can I get mine unlisted?

   How come so many people Roll On The Floor *Laughing*? If I'm rolling on the floor, it's usually because I'm on fire. Send help.

   I use really strong sunblock. It's SPF 100. I squeeze the tube and a sweater comes out.

   On a walk, my stepdaughter saw a pay phone, asked what it was. I made him look it up on his Blackberry.

   what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? full

   rumor is that Tipper Gore is suing for half the Internet.

   blames Al and Tippers divorce on all of those hung Chads...

   thinks we will soon know if Al Gore still believes in cap and trade after divorce redistributes HIS wealth

   all for the "going green" thing, but she just can't bring herself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."

   I skinned my elbow on the headboard while making the bed. Does this mean I am dangerous in bed?

   House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.

   Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

   Actual Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

   Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

   today I : 1. asked old people for directions and deliberately walked the opposite way... 2. asked very obese people which gym they used...