Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since practice makes perfect, I must thank my parents for not givin' up on the first try. :)

   I'm not feeling myself today... anyone else wanna try?

   ...easy there, don't cry, it's OK. Everyone makes mistakes...take your parents for example

   Definition of stupid; person who locks their keys in the car...and it takes them an hour to get their family out.

   "We can still be friends" is like saying "Hey, the dog died but we can keep it"

   pretty drowsy......he's pretty sure he has a nap for that....

   Can I have your phone number, so I can call you the next time I have a 4 hour erection?

   "Every time I see a mattress on top of a car I think it's a prostitute making house calls."

   likes waking up after a nap and finding out theres a whole night to go with that kinky dream!"

   A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.

   In Light Of BP's Recent Accident They Are Offering Everyone Free Oil. You Just Have To Come Pick It Up At Any Location In The Gulf Coast..

   I wish, with a passion, that I could find the strength to give you one more chance.

   Regreting is only a waste of time. if something happened,accept that it happened and there is nothing that can be done to change it.just be happy that it is not yet the end of the world.

   Since I'm now single, if I broke my hand could I put "it's complicated" as my relationship status?

   If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of it

   .i. love \i/

   Lights off, Music on, Phone in silent mode, tired body and calm mind; Perfect recipe for good night sleep.

   A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

   what does Relationship Status "ITS COMPLICATED" really means...Does it mean a Single man with Broken Hand or a Married person not getting any sex and hand broken too.?...Somebody please EXPLAIN

   LOVE is one night stand..........TRUE LOVE is one night stand with same person lifelong..:)