Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does a coffin come with a life time guarantee?

   Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, ⠀˜Lie to me!'

   Paul Newman's half-Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too, put them together, what a fine looking Jew

   I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

   A fool is a 37th floor window washer who steps backs to see his work.

   A friend in need is a pest indeed.

   Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

   The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

   Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

   By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.

   coming up with a funny status update is overated.. be content with this one..

   wishes his sandwich would look like the damn picture for once.

   heard that coroner's report that Gary Coleman died from a series of Diff'rent Strokes

   Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, auditioning for the circus again.

   Always hold your girlfriend/wife's hand at the mall. If you let it go, she will shop!!.

   Solemnly Swears That He/She Is Up To No Good

   Breaking News!!!!! Spongebob Square Pants found Dead in oil patch........

   just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF... Best Facebook Friend Forever

   If I ever were to become a scientist, I think my first area of research would be to try to prove my theory that there is a direct correlation between stuttering and 3rd trimester vibrator use.

   Homeless guy in an Obama shirt asked me for change... thought u'd chuckle at that