Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

   A man has been admitted to hospital with HYPOTHERMIA AND FROSTBITES after he was left CHILLING at HOME for the whole day by his wife! A COLD CASE FILE has been opened!

   Summer! Summer! Summer.. you make us beautiful and free spirited! ☼

   My journey of a thousand miles began with a single step. But I had the wrong shoes on and now i've gone back a few paces.

   changed his profile picture. Now I look a little less ugly

   A man went to see a psychiatrist, wearing only Gladwrap shorts. The shrink said, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

   I wonder if children who stutter are the result of pregnant women using vibrators.

   Listening to Jimmy Buffet all day is giving me some unproductive ideas that might get me fired.

   reminds you that the proper abbreviation for Sex and the City is SATC2, not Sex...Stop inviting me to go watch sex with you.

   Drinking Non-Alcoholic Beer Is Like Going Down On Your Cousin, It Tastes The Same But It's Just Wrong

   the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?” The father replies, “Making a baby.” The little boy says, “Well, do her doggie style! I'd rather have a puppy instead!”

   If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque book

   I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

   Our last fight was my fault:  My wife asked me,  ‘What's on the TV?'  I said,  ‘Dust.'

   A WOMAN'S FOUR FAVORITE ANIMALS:  A mink in the closet , a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an a*s  to pay for it all !

   A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, ‘You  have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you.'   The drunk replies,  ‘Boobs.' 

   When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d**k.  or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose. 

   There are only two  four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used  together. 

   first comes the engagement ring, then the wedding ring and finally the suffering

   Confucius says "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."