Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My philosophy? People who have creepy dungeons probably don't wear a watch. So, when a stranger asks for the time, I pepper spay them.

   The best things in life are free.... or have no interest or payments for one full year.

   Parents inThis Economy is soo bad... Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

   The law says I can't drive with an open container, but it says nothing about jello shots!!

   A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast.

   "It's time to take back our country!" Fine. Just return it to your nearest Indian casino.

   my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall

   once cops get smart enough to put a breathalyzer test at the end of a Taco Bell drive-thru WE'RE ALL SCREWED!

   better pay his COX cable bill before they cut our COX off...

   .Of course Margaritaville sounds nice but living there would suck.. There's probably a DUI stop every 8 feet. And Living on Sponge cake? Really? Gross!!!

   has been having 3-somes with hot twins. My friends ask how I tell them apart. Its easy... Lisa is the one with long blond hair and Luke is the one with the six pack and hairy legs

   Doesn't it feel like the Facebook friends who NEVER respone to your posts are secretly judging you?

   I just descovered 3 words to make any teenager run in terror. "Time To Clean".....

   finds the ginkgo biloba pill kinda funny...its for helping ur memory but you got to remember to take the pill in order for it to work

   With great power comes a great electric bill

   if Charles is in Charge of our days and our nights, who's this God guy people are talking about?

   every second becomes a minute, every minute becomes a hour but when your living it up every crazy sh#t you did in your life becomes the best memories.

   Every notice how your dream girl often turns into your nightmare?

   Ever notice how your dream girl often turns into your nightmare?

   a wife is like the suits of a deck of cards. You need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to beat them when they drive you nuts, and a spade to bury them when their dead