Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If TMZ doesn't follow me home from work today, I'm done wearing these ridiculous Lady Gaga costumes.

   If love is blind does that mean divorce is lasik surgery?

   Every time I burn dinner the fire alarm goes off and lets everyone in the neighborhood know. It's such an invasion of privacy.

   I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry sh*t makes me feel like a p*ssy.

   The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What ..does a woman want?

   woke up my wife this morning. She started feeling my face with her eyes closed. I asked her what she's doing and she said "Looking for the off button."

   Facebook has just suggested I poke my wife . . . Yeah good one facebook . . . Been trying for weeks . .

   a Blonde just texted me and asked "what does idk stand for? " I said "i dont know" she said "omg! nobody does!"

   I hate it when people steal my ideas before I think of them.

   What will happen during the LOST series finale? My guess is that Matthew Fox wakes up back in Chicago next to Suzanne Pleshette.

   First day without any real amount of nicotine... My brain is interpreting this new development as: grumpy, antzy, sleepy, jumpy and pissy all at the same time... If I get sneezy and dopey I got all the 7 dwarfs covered!

   Has anyone else seen the Pop Tarts commercials where mom makes her kids Pop Tart ice cream sandwiches and garnishes a sundae with Pop Tarts? What can you do to make Pop Tarts even worse for you AND encourage childhood obesity? Add ice cream of course!

   You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.

   thinks work is becoming a nice little break from Facebook.

   Here it comesssss.... WOOT! WOOT! There it goessssssss.... "CHA-CHING!" Man, Payday Sux! :P

   Somewhere in this world my second wife is in 9th grade.

   when life throws you a lemon add the tequila and the salt !!

   Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Except the absence of herpes.Im pretty fond of not having that.

   loves long walks...especially when taken by people who annoy me.

   Good girls are bad girls that never get caught